It's Sunday, and finally a moment to silence the house is empty. Grabbed my notebook and started pondering a question that has been on my mind one more time in my life. Really, you would think at Crone status I might have just picked a little more than I thought Especially, after it's come around more than once. My truth is morsel by morsel, or tin-bit by tin-it, seems to be my pace.
Every situation requires a decision and every decision is comprised of choices, it's like a blank canvas every time, and of those choices are consequences or that has been my experience.
So here is question What am I choosing VICTIM OR VICTOR?
My current situation has me back to square one give a cm or two. Humor goes a long way right now. I have been processing, my general reaction to this whole situation was why is this happening to me? then it was look what you have done to me, how could you do what you did and destroy all that was good? I played the poor pity me and see how I have been treated. VICTIM that was my choice? Now I will say, it did not take me nearly as long as the previous oh hundred times give or take, but I started going back over the situation which by the way truly does become clearer the further you step away and detach. (not easy but necessary) Well, there is the next article, oh boy the juices are flowing.
Back to the beginning, I started with a pad and paper and listed the very first decision I made in this ordeal then next to it I wrote the choices were there are always choices. Then I looked at both sides of the consequences that occurred, boy was I astonished. Here I thought I had been the VICTOR in all this you know the good gal, who got all this dumped on her and done to her? I was wrong, you see as I went back, I noticed I actively choose at some points to engage in the victim role, this is a pattern that has plagued me since oh many many moons ago, each time I cross this bridge I think this is the last time I go down this road, well guess what DE JAVU. Then something also showed itself, this had never happened before I went over it again, and I found where I did make the VICTOR choices, and that was progress. Now I am left with I did both!!! Smiled for a moment, then stopped I remembered the above saying and then my V8 moment hit. One more time went up to the the list and counted how many of each I had made. Yup two more VICTIM's then VICTOR. In that moment, I felt sickened but like a purge had just occurred, and I now knew more than I had before.
The preverbal VICTIM status is all about ME how I have been wronged or hurt or whatever, it presumes that everybody and everything is "DOING TO YOU" false illusion. No one or nothing is being done to you it is choices of other's that simply by mathematical probabilities you will be affected. The ripple effect. Taking it all to personal is what messed me up, I forgot that one key element, I let my victim pattern get in my head and it changed the course of everything. How do I do the VICTOR part, well that is a little tricky still for me to give you a blow by blow of exactly how to do it the truth is I am still learning. I do know that for me just seeing a little more today, than I did yesterday, facing that EGO side and putting it to bed just for a bit is being a victor, I guess also, humbling is a Victor for me as it has and I am grateful.
As I close I would like to say, I believe for me I have to always have a little victim in me ( as I choose to change the pattern by my decisions and choices) so I can have the truest definition of VICTOR in me. Perhaps, one day I will have the exact formula, but for now I can say, one more time I learned, and I love myself more today, this fall leads to a rise, in this moment right HERE, VICTOR's looking closer and closer all the time as a pattern of true-self choice.
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